the missing scenes
by Ira4
Summary: Rollaro missing scenes we want to see. One shots.
1. Holden's Manifesto

Just a short one shot after Holden's Manifesto. Had to be written.

Of course I don't own the characters.

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><p>A shower.<p>

That was only thing on Amanda's mind walking out of the school. People were talking to her, asking her questions and she answered everything. As best as she could.

But she really wanted to get the blood off of her face.

It dried on her face and she didn't want to feel it, she wanted to wash it away, the way it felt, the way it tasted.

She had him, she had Holden and they shot him. He deserved to go to prison, but they didn't have to shoot him, she had him.

But now she wanted a shower.

Needed a shower.

"Yeah, ok" she said, Olivia told her something and she agreed, not completely sure what she agreed to.

"You're coming?" Fin asked.

"What?" Amanda looked at him.

"Liv just said I was taking you home" he gave her a worried look.

"Sure" she smiled at him.

They walked over to his car, she turned around for a moment before walking inside. Nick was staring at her, she could see the concern in his eyes.

A shower.

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><p>She took two showers.<p>

The first one was to get the blood and disgust off of her. Watching the bloody water go down the drain.

The second shower was a couple of minutes later, she wrapped the towel around her body but it didn't feel good enough.

So she had to take another one, this time it was longer, and better.

It made her feel good, calmer.

She got dressed quickly and walked to the kitchen.

"Wanna eat something?" she asked Frannie and poured food into her bowl. Frannie walked to the bowl and Amanda watched her eating for a while.

"My turn" she said, half to herself and half to Frannie. She made her self a sandwich but after a couple of bites she didn't feel hungry anymore.

There was a knock on the door. Something inside of her wanted to just stay in the room, pretend she wasn't home. But she had a feeling it wouldn't be enough.

She walked to the door and looked through the peephole, she wasn't surprised.

"Amanda" he said once the door opened.

"Hey" she smiled, they stood there for a moment.

"Can I come in?" he asked her.

"Of course" she moved so he could walk into the apartment and once inside she closed the door.

"You ok?" he was looking at her with that concerned look of his.

"Already told you I'm fine" she smiled and he walked over to her.

"Amanda" he reached her hand, his eyes focused on hers.

"You don't think I'm ok?" she asked.

"I'm glad you're safe" he grabbed a hold of her hand gently, she didn't fight.

"I'm really fine Nick" she gave him a reassuring smile "I mean it"

"Good" he smiled at her, moving a little closer "it's not true"

"What isn't true?" her smiled turned from reassuring to questioning.

"What he'd said" now her smile faded and her eyes swayed to look at something behind him "you are not a notch or…"

"I know Nick, it's fine" now she moved away, letting his arm drop "we've talked about it, it's ok"

"It's no ok" he tried to get near her again "what we've talked about, it's in the past, and it's not like that for me anymore"

Amanda looked at him again, but she didn't talk.

"I care about you, I _really_ care about you Amanda, it's more than just sex between us, much more" his hand reached hers again and she let him hold it.

She was still silent, but now she moved and wrapped her arms around him, he was a bit caught off guard but a second later he embraced her and placed his head over hers.

His shirt got a little moist, he realized she was crying and his hands softly caressed her back until she calmed down.

"I should go to sleep" she whispered into his chest "we have a long day tomorrow" she said and pulled away so she could look at him "will you stay with me?"

"Of course" he said, happy to see the smile forming on her lips, this smile looked like a happy smiled.

"Come on" he whispered and carried her to her bed. She rested her head on his chest and he had his arms wrapped around her. They fell asleep quickly, it was a tiring day, sleep felt good.

His arms felt good, he made her feel better than any shower could.


	2. Pornstar's Requiem

_**I've decided to make this fic into one shots of missing scenes. I don't know if I'm going to write one after every episode, but we'll see.**_

_**The one shots will have nothing to do with one another. **_

**_Enjoy : )_ **

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><p>The sun was rising as Nick made his way out of the airport. He'd wanted to spend as much time with Zara as he could so he had to take a red eye to New York. But it was worth it, spending time with his daughter was priceless, and he didn't care that he'd have only a couple of hours to sleep before he had to be back at work.<p>

He called Amanda from the airport, before he boarded the flight. These last days in Cali he'd really missed her and he wanted to hear her voice.

But she sounded a bit off, she asked about his time with his daughter and he was happy to tell her, but when he asked her how she was doing he could hear something was wrong.

She said she was fine, but he'd known her long enough to know when she was lying, most of the time at least.

It was as if he could hear another layer to her voice,

There was just something in the way she said the word _fine_, when she really wasn't.

He asked her if she was sure and she insisted everything was fine, he didn't probe, he'd read about the case the squad had been working on and figured it had something to do with that. Things went bad and he knew it affected her. She was working hard to prove herself and things weren't going too well lately, with the Holden case and now this.

He took a cab home and put the suitcase in the bedroom, he'd unpack it later. Nick looked at the clock, if he leaves now he'd make it in time to meet her.

There was a place not far from Amanda's apartment where she went to every morning with Frannie.

He just had to see her.

Nick wasn't wrong, Amanda was sitting on a bench with Frannie next to her. She must have noticed him approach since she ran straight to him, catching Amanda off guard.

She turned to see Nick petting Frannie. Nick looked at her at the same moment and she looked very surprised to see him.

"Come on girl" he said and walked with Frannie back to the bench.

"Hey" she said as he sat down next to her "what are you doing here?"

"Well" he answered, looking at her "I wanted to see you"

She smiled at his answer, but then her eyes squinted a little and he knew what was on her mind.

"I was kind of worried"

"Worried?" she asked and he nodded.

"You sounded not so _fine_ on the phone and I just wanted to see you"

She let out a barely there chuckle and looked away, biting her lip a bit "it's ok" she said after a moment of silence.

"Tough one?" he asked.

"You know" she looked at him and unconsciously scooted a little closer "they all are, but sometimes there's at least some sort of closure, maybe even some justice but not this time" she shrugged "when we went to see her in New Hampshire, there was just nothing in her eyes, you know?" she went quiet again so he nodded, figuring she might be waiting for him to acknowledge her words "there was only emptiness in them and I just…there was nothing I could have done, but…" she shrugged again.

"I get it" he nodded.

"Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth it, if it makes a difference" she looked away and sighed.

"I think we all do" Nick replied "so many times things don't turn out for the best, but then there's this one case where it does, and you help someone and you make a difference, and that's worth it"

Amanda looked at him, she had a little smile now "I'm gonna give you this pep talk when you have a crappy case"

"Deal" He chuckled

"We should get back" she got up and he did the same "you're not gonna have time to sleep"

"Don't worry about it" he smiled at her.

They walked towards his car quietly, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. They were both happy to just be close to each other.

"I'll see you later then" she said when they were standing next to the vehicle.

"Not soon enough" he gave her a huge smile and she burst into a laugh. Her free hand reached the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss.

They had rules against it, no public affection whatsoever, they did not want to get caught. But right now she really wanted, and needed, to feel him next to her, his lips against hers.

They pulled away quickly though, and Amanda waved as she and Frannie walked towards her building.

Nick got into his car and watched them for a couple of minutes. He didn't feel tired anymore, maybe kisses can wake you up.


	3. Glasgowman's Wrath

**_Sunday, November 2_**

"Good girl" Amanda patted Frannie. They've just got back from a walk, it's been a long day and tomorrow was going to be a long one too.

"You're thirsty, ha?" she asked Frannie, who walked to the empty bowl. Amanda picked it up and was about to fill it with water when there was a knock at the door. She gave Frannie a 'who might that be?' look and walked over so she could check.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" She was genuinely surprised to see Nick at her door. They had their hands full with this case and she didn't expect him to come by, especially with out calling first.

"We didn't plan to…" maybe they had plans and she'd forgotten?

"No, no" he walked in "well I kinda wanted to talk to you"

"Oh" she said, walking to the kitchen so she could fill Frannie's bowl "listen, I don't know if you're upset or anything because Benson asked me to choose who interrogates Dorsey but I really don't feel like talking about that" she looked at him, turning the faucet off "or if it's about me not wanting to go to the hospital, I'm too exhausted for that, I'm gonna take a quick shower and go to sleep" she walked back to the living room and placed the bowl on the floor so Frannie could drink.

"I know I wasn't happy about that but I get it" he said "you made the right call and I trust you" he walked over to her "I trust you, and it's not about that"

"Ok" she said quietly waiting for him to speak.

He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes for a moment "California was…I said confusing earlier" he referred to the brief mention earlier that day at the hospital "but it was more than just that"

Amanda nodded, she knew how hard it was for him to have his daughter so far away.

"She loves it there and I'm happy she's happy but I feel like it means she's never gonna be back" it wasn't easy for him to say the words, even though they were looking for the missing girls he couldn't stop thinking about how different his relationship with his daughter was going to be, how it would always be long distance and how much he missed her living with him.

He felt Amanda's hand on his, pulling him gently to the couch.

"I know it's tough on you" she sat down close to him "I know how much you love her" he looked at her with a sad smile on his face.

"The most important thing is that she knows that, she knows you love her, she knows you will always be there for her, even if you are here"

She let her hand rest on his shoulder "you are a good dad"

He turned a bit to face her and grabbed a hold of her hand, he didn't say anything, but she could see the uncertainty in his eyes "you are, she knows it and she loves you"

He smiled at her, squeezed her hand a little.

"I should go to bed" Amanda said after a couple minutes had passed.

"Yeah, of course" he let go of her hand go but stayed on the couch.

Amanda got up "I'm gonna take a quick shower" she let him know "Nick, if you want to you can stay and sleep here but we have to get early tomorrow" she gave him a look that meant there will be nothing but sleep if he was going to accept her offer.

"I'd like that" Nick smiled and stood up "hey" he said before she got a chance to go to the bathroom.

"Yeah?" she turned and smiled at him.

"Just one thing" he said, not looking too serious "did you really rather face an unknown suspect than dead with Liv?"

She chuckled "maybe" she shrugged, turning back so she could take that shower.

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><p>She walked out a few minutes later, Nick was sitting on the floor petting Frannie.<p>

"I just realized I've got another suit in the trunk but I don't have another tie" he got up, moving closer to her. She smelled so good after that shower.

She smiled at him and kissed his lips "just wear this one, I doubt anyone would notice" he grinned at her and leaned in for another taste of her lips.

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><p><em>This was another little missing scene, it takes place before they find the missing girls. I thought Nick's tie looked very similar on November 2<em>_nd__ and November 3__rd__ so I decided it was the same tie…_

_Hope you enjoyed, can't wait for the next episodes._

_And I'm working on my other fics, hope to update soon._


	4. Chicago Crossover

_This was a pretty Rollaroless episode(s). But I won't let that discourage me and not write the missing scenes, in NY and Chicago._

_Hope you like it : )_

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><p><em><strong>New York<strong>_

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><p><em>November 8<em>

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><p>"We get it"<p>

"Totally"

Amanda and Nick exchanged another look when they were at their desks. They were only working together too, when they were at work.

But when they weren't at work, it was something else.

"I think I'm gonna head out soon" Nick said "it's been a long day"

"Yeah" she nodded, rubbing her face a bit "I need to get some sleep"

He gave her a questioning look and she replied with a tiny smile, making sure nobody else noticed it.

Nick waited a few minutes after Amanda had left, he drove to her apartment and saw her waiting for him by the entrance to her building.

"Hey" he smiled at her, happy to see Amanda standing there, even though it took just a couple of minutes to get inside her apartment he was glad to spend them with her.

Once inside her apartment Amanda wasted no time and kissed him after he locked the door. It felt good to have his lips against hers, his tongue entwine with hers. At work they could barely get away with slight touches, his knee grazing hers, her fingers brush over his handing him a file, standing closer to each other than usual.

But when they were alone at her or his place, it was different. They didn't have to be careful.

His hands were playing in her hair and he had a smile when they pulled away.

"Want something to eat?" Amanda asked, not walking away from him.

"No" he shook his head, his hands moved down her body, reaching her back "I'm beat, let's go to bed, ok?"

She gave him another kiss, a quick one this time. She wanted to sleep too, and doing that next to Nick sounded like the only thing she could want right now.

After changing into more comfortable clothes they got inside her bed and she moved as close to Nick as she could. He wrapped his arms around her and soon after that they fell asleep.

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><p><em>November 9<em>

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><p>When Nick woke up he was in bed alone. He stretched a little, wondering where was Amanda. He got dressed and walked to the living room.<p>

She wasn't there but since he couldn't see or hear Frannie, he figured she must have taken her out. Nick fixed some breakfast quickly and just when he was done they both walked through the door.

"Morning" he greeted her.

Amanda smiled at him and took off her jacket "hey" she grabbed a piece of bread from the plate in front of Nick.

"You could have woken me up"

"You looked kinda cute, didn't wanna bother you" she smiled and took a bite of the food.

"Kinda, huh?" he grinned at her.

They ate silently for a while but then Nick spoke again "I didn't get a chance to ask you, but you ok with all this?" she looked at him with out answering "It's personal for Lindsay, it's a sibling and…"

She let out a soft chuckle "I know how it's like to have a complicated family" Amanda shrugged "I'm alright, focused on the case"

He nodded.

"Speaking of that" she checked the time "we better get going"

Nick put the dishes in the sink and said goodbye to Frannie. He gave Amanda another slow and passionate kiss.

It would have to last for a while.

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><p>They were back at her apartment later that night, they got to the boy, at least they managed to save him.<p>

"You didn't tell me about their interrogation tactics" he told her "Voight he…" Nick didn't have to proceed, Amanda knew he was referring to Voight beating the security guard.

"When Fin and I were there they took a suspect to this _cage_" Nick eyes widened a little "yeah"

"And?"

"And he told them what they wanted to know" she replied.

"Really?" he nodded and Amanda gave him a questioning look.

"You think you'd do better with a cage?" she had a very serious expression, it was no secret Nick had anger issues, he's been working on it, but it was there, and Amanda wondered if Nick might do something violent again.

He looked at her, she didn't take her eyes off him "no" he said simply "I don't want that"

"Good" she smiled.

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><p><em><strong>Chicago<strong>_

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><p>"Yeah, I know, ok, have a good night…yeah you too, bye" Nick hung up the phone. Liv just called him to find out about the investigation. Unfortunately, the news he had to share with her was all bad. One man killed himself in front of Amanda and another fell off a building in front of Nick. They made no progress.<p>

He noticed he couldn't hear the sound of the water from the shower anymore. He got up and walked towards the shower.

The door was closed but not locked so he knocked on it.

She opened it just a second later, a towel wrapped around her body. He forgot what he was about to say, she looked so beautiful that for a moment nothing mattered, there was nothing in the world except for the two of them.

Amanda smiled at him and he moved closer to her, caressing her cheek. When not even an inch separated them he kissed her. Tasting her lips, loving the way her skin felt, still not completely dry. He let her tongue enter his mouth and only the need to breath forced their mouths to separate.

But it wasn't for too long. Just a few seconds later Nick kissed her again, with just as much passion. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and he just needed to be closer to her. He lifter her in his arms and made the short way from the bathroom to the bed without letting her go.

He didn't want to, but had to let her mouth go so she could lie down, but the moment she was on her back his lips caught hers.

No matter how bad the cases would get, how complicated things in his life would be, Nick had Amanda and she had him.

No matter what, being with her made everything else disappear. Everything, except for the love in his heart.

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><p><em>Hope next week's episode is going to have more Rollaro love, and if it won't have enough – I will just add a lot of it in next week's fic.<em>

_Let me know what you thought. _


	5. Spousal Privilege

**Spousal Privilege**

_Thank you so much for your feedback, it really means a lot. _

_So I've been asked to update this chapter fast and I have to admit, with all the rumors going around I've been thinking about so many ways this could have gone. I hope you like the way I'm going with this. _

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><p>"So they found him guilty" Nick said, Amanda was making her self coffee, and he took something out of the fridge. Not long ago they were in the exact same position, but the only thing they said to each other way "hey", so maybe this was progress.<p>

"Yeah" she nodded "I heard" she glanced at him and turned her attention back to the cup.

He stayed there for a while, opened the door and closed it for no reason.

"I think maybe we should talk" he finally said, he turned to her and she nodded.

The squad room was pretty quiet now, Liv had left not long ago and Fin was out too.

Nick and Amanda walked to the bunks, there wasn't any other room that was private. They didn't say it but they were both thinking the same thing, about the fight they had there all that time ago. It seemed like a life time ago, Nate, and what had followed.

Once the door was closed and it was just the two of them, alone, it felt awkward. They had to work together, they couldn't ignore what had happened.

Or maybe they could?

"Listen Nick" Amanda started, she looked down for a moment but then her eyes focused on him "you want me to say I'm sorry, ok" she smiled "I'm sorry I pushed you like that" she shrugged.

"Ok" he searched for other words, not sure what he should say.

"Ok" she repeated, nodding a little. She looked away, what was she expecting him to say?

"I don't know what you want me to say" it felt as if he read her mind and she looked at him "Amanda I…I mean, one moment everything's fine and then you just…" he couldn't, or wouldn't, find the words to describe what had happened in the bar.

"Maybe this is it" she said "everything's not fine, not with me, not with you…" she was about to say _not with us_ when he interrupted.

"What are you talking about?"

"I told Liv, just before you got back here, that you were taking anger management seriously" she let out a small chuckle, he kept his eyes on her "but I wonder if that's true" she walked over to the door and leaned on it "do you think you're less angry? Cause I'm not so sure and" she could tell he wanted to say something but she wasn't don't talking so she raised her hand a little so he would wait "and I know you're not going to hit me, it's not about that"

"Then what is about?" he managed to say.

"Are you going to do it to someone else? Cause we will have another case like that" she didn't need to say it, he knew what case she was talking about "and you're gonna hurt someone and get into trouble and I'm gonna…"

She stopped talking and Nick waited for her to continue.

"You're gonna what?"

"Nothing" she shook her head a little "just worry about you" it felt as if she was hiding something, but Nick couldn't think of any reason for her to do that.

"When Maria called you I…" she took a deep breath "I guess I wonder if you want to change, because you want to help me, right? That's how we…" she smiled bitterly "you want to save me?" the smile faded and she looked a little sad now.

Nick shook his head a bit "Amanda" he said, searching for words again "honestly, I don't know where this is coming from, this case? Because you think it should stay between them? I mean, I'm just not sure what's going on"

"Yeah" she looked down on the floor again "maybe it's just the case" she tried to keep any emotion out of her voice "maybe I can understand that from now on everyone will see her as the victim, nothing else, so maybe I got too upset about it" she moved from the door and walked towards one of the bunks "I shouldn't have let it get to me" Nick gave her a confused look.

"Listen Amanda" he said "I'm not a saint, I'm not a savior, and I don't know what we have" he moved closer to her "yeah, I got issues, we both do" he looked at her "and yeah, I'm not going to say I'm not angry about what happened at the bar, cause you shouldn't have done that, and I don't know what you wanted me to do, and I want to tell you that I'm not going to hurt you but somehow I feel like I already have and I don't know what we're supposed to do here" his voice got quieter as he spoke "between us"

They were so close to each other now.

"Neither do I" she whispered.

They stood there for a while, looking at each other, trying to figure out what to say.

Nick was mad at her, he didn't like the way she acted in the bar, but was it just about the case? Was it about Maria?

_She doesn't want to be a victim._

That's what she said before she pushed him.

_She doesn't want to be a victim. _His eyes narrowed. Who was she talking about? It wasn't Paula, he was pretty sure about it, but what was it really about then?

She moved backwards after a while and Nick just watched her.

"We better…" she pointed at the door, if Fin was back he'd wonder where they both were.

"Amanda, maybe someday we could figure it out" Nick said, talking about whatever it was between them "but until we do, I'm here"

She nodded "me too".

They exchanged another look, a softer one, before leaving the room. That look, even though it wasn't accompanied with words, said everything.

It wasn't over.

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><p><em>I think this is more realistic than a make up+ make out scene. I hope that in future episodes Nick will be there for Amanda and they will work things out. <em>


	6. Pattern Seventeen

**Pattern Seventeen**

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><p>Nick was feeling better, he's been sick for a few days and there was no way he could help his squad.<p>

He had just finished washing the dishes and was about to watch a game on t.v when he heard a knock. No one was supposed to come over and it was pretty late. Nick walked to the door and was surprised to see Amanda. She was wearing her running clothes and Frannie was with her.

"Come on in" Nick opened the door, it took Amanda a moment before she walked into his house and Frannie followed. She looked a little tired, a bit sweaty, like she'd been running for a long time.

"Can I offer you something to drink?" he asked after a while, the silence was making him uncomfortable.

"No, but maybe you could get some water for Frannie?" she looked at the dog.

"Sure" Nick took a plastic bowl and filled it with water.

"Thanks" Amanda gave him a little smile as Frannie walked to the bowl.

"So is everything okay?" he really had no idea what to say, they didn't exactly clear the air since the bar fight, and here she was in his place, looking somewhat rattled.

"Amanda?" he asked.

"Can I talk to you?" she finally said.

"Of course"

Amanda smiled, she felt so self conscious, everything felt real and unreal at the same time. She was in Nick's place, could she tell him the truth? He had a concerned look on his face, his beautiful eyes looking at her. In that moment she wanted to be closer to him, to feel his arms around her, maybe that would make her feel better.

"You know" she started "Murphy told me that I had a blind spot for man in power" she looked down, Nick was just standing there, not taking his eyes off her.

"I think he was right in a way, I don't know if it's a blind spot as much as it's this need to know that someone in that position is not going to use it" her eyes met his, they were moist now "I just have this hope that these people are not going to abuse the power they have, not going to hurt someone because of it and I've been proven wrong so many times Nick" when she said his name Amanda moved a little closer to him.

"But it's like I can't let it go, I still want to believe that, because I…that's not how it worked for me" she looked away again and wiped her eyes with her left hand.

Nick walked even closer, he could hear her words but he wasn't sure how to react, he wasn't even sure what exactly she was saying.

But he remembered their fight, _She doesn't want to be a victim_, and now this, _that's not how it worked for me_…

A part of him understood while another was still in the dark. But looking at her now Nick couldn't leave her there, cause she was in a different darkness, she seemed so alone, and he was not going to walk away. She has been there for him, she was his first call from jail after he was arrested, she was the one to call the lawyer, to call Munch. Amanda has been there for him even when he was ready to give up.

And now she needs him, and no matter what, he will be there for her.

Nick wrapped his arms around her, held her close. Amanda wasn't crying, she hugged him back and then she spoke.

"I need to tell you Nick" she said "I need to tell you something that happened, to me, in Atlanta"

They pulled away and he looked into her eyes "Amanda, whatever it is, I'm here"

She nodded and took a little breath before speaking.

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><p><em>Hope I'm not gonna have to make up more excuses for Nick's absence. Is he even in the next episode? <em>


	7. Forgiving Rollins

_It's been a long time since I've updated this fic, and I have to confess it might be a long time till I update it again, since Am__anda isn't going to be in the next 2 episodes and she's my favorite character._

_But I do think there's hope for Rollaro after this episode, not that I think the writers are going to give it to us (but we know what's really going on between the scenes!)_

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><p>Forgiving Rollins<p>

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><p>As Nick made his way from the courthouse to the car he turned around for a second, just to see Amanda walk away.<p>

_And, it's over_

That's what she said.

But it wasn't true, Nick has known Amanda for a long time now, and even though there were many times he couldn't read, or understand her, there were other times he could. She wanted to be strong, she always tried to be and if she couldn't – then she would at least appear strong. She would put on a mask, say everything was fine.

And of course, _she doesn't want to be a victim…_

The words were still ringing in his ears. Well, now it was clear, now the mask was off. Amanda doesn't want to be a victim. She didn't want the pity, the _I'm sorry_.

But what did he have to give her?

He did call her a few nights ago, offered to come by, if she wanted to talk or not to be alone. But Amanda was a lot like him in a way, she was stubborn, she didn't need anyone, she could handle everything by herself.

Well she shouldn't have to.

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><p>Amanda held Frannie's leash tightly, if she wouldn't have been wearing her gloves, her knuckles would probably white. Maybe they were. She had no idea. It didn't matter.<p>

Does it matter if you can't see it? If you don't know?

Except that now everybody knows. They all know what Patton did to her, what she was willing to let him do.

She wanted to just forget about it, not to know it had happened. She was good at pretending, she was a good liar.

Her specialty – lying to herself.

Amanda took a deep breath of the cold air and let it out, the white cloud quickly dissolved into the darkness and she looked at Frannie who was busy sniffing something on the sidewalk.

"Let's go home" Amanda said.

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><p>Amanda was surprised to see the man leaning on the wall of the building, what was he doing there?<p>

"Hey" he said when she was closer.

"Nick" Amanda smiled "what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see how you're doing" from the look on her face Nick figured she didn't want company.

"I'm fine" she smiled "you already know I'm taking some time off so…I'm fine"

"That's great" he nodded and looked down because Frannie, who was happy to see him, started sniffing his leg "look, I…I guess I wanted to see that you're ok because…"

"Because?"

Nick wasn't sure how to phrase it, she was vulnerable, but of course that's the last things she wanted to hear right now "because" he started "you say you're ok even when you're not"

Amanda looked down and then gave him a bitter smile "then I'm not fine" she added after a while.

"Is that what you wanted to hear?" her tone was a little irritated but Nick let it go.

"I want to hear the truth, whatever it is"

Amanda shrugged "the truth is…worthless"

"Not always"

"Listen Nick, I know you care, and I appreciate that, but, I'm getting cold and I want to go home"

"I just want you to know you're not alone" he tried, Amanda was hard to reach to, even though they were standing close to each other, it was as if there were oceans between them.

Amanda opened the door without saying anything and he watched as she walked inside. Nick wouldn't do anything against her will, and she didn't invite him in, but he wanted so bad to just tell her it would be ok, to make her believe it somehow.

Nick was about to leave when, suddenly, Amanda started to tremble a little, she was crying.

He pushed the door open and wrapped his arms around her. All the words he had planned to say disappeared, his mind was completely blank. He just held her and she pulled away after a while, her eyes were a little red and she wiped her face.

"I'm…" she started but Nick didn't want her to apologize.

"Don't say it" he shook his head, there was nothing for her to feel sorry about.

Frannie was now sniffing Nick again, the leash was on the floor, she must have dropped it when he hugged her. Nick reached for it and petted the dog.

"Can I walk you upstairs?" he suggested.

Amanda gave him a slight nod.

It has been a long time since Nick was at her place. Everything was the same, except for the two of them. He took the leash off of Frannie and gave her a quick pet before she walked away to chew on one of her toys.

Amanda watched as he petted Frannie, she really liked him. Whenever he came over she would sniff his feet as if he was hiding treats in there. The thought made her chuckle and the chuckle made Nick raise his eyes to her.

"Amanda" he started again, but she didn't really want to talk about it.

"Thanks for…that" she said.

"There's something I need to tell you" since she didn't react he kept on talking "I overhears Liv talking to the doctor, the psychiatrist" now she turned away from him "he told her you never showed up"

"Well I just don't like shrinks, ok?" she walked to the kitchen and tried to look busy opening drawers.

"I get it, but she is just worried about you, we all are"

"And I'm taking time off so I will be ok" she still kept her eyes hidden.

Nick watched as she tried to hide from him, it wasn't good enough though, and he wasn't going to let her get away with it

"I know you're lying" this got him a stare and it was better than nothing "I know you don't want us to know how you feel, I know you didn't want us to know about what had happened to you, I know that you didn't get the justice you deserved, that it's not over, I know it wasn't your fault…"

"You don't know anything" she shouted and slammed one of the drawers. Amanda smiled and walked towards him "it wasn't my fault?" he didn't react "no it wasn't" she nodded "it wasn't my fault that my dad left, wasn't my fault that my mom couldn't care less about us, wasn't my fault that my sister…did those things, wasn't my fault that he raped me"

Amanda had tears in her eyes again "none of this is my fault" she raised her voice again and pointed at herself "but I'm paying for it, and I have been for such a long time" she sounded defeated.

"You want to know how I feel like?" She didn't wait for a response "nothing, I feel like nothing. Nothing I do matters, nothing I do changes anything, I always end up in the same fucked up spot, always the same poor little Amanda, right? You know why I don't want to go to the shrink? I don't want to talk about it again, it's worthless Nick, I am so tired of thinking about it, of it echoing in my ears, all of it, I don't want to hear it anymore, I don't want to think about it, I want it to be gone, I want it to never have happened. But it doesn't work this way, does it?"

"Amanda…" he wanted to speak but she wasn't done.

"Nobody can make it disappear, and now every time Liv and Barba and Fin and you" she looked straight to his eyes when mentioning him "will look at me, you are going to see that poor Amanda, the pitiful Amanda, the 'it's not her fault' Amanda, the victim…"

"Enough" he said "you are right, it wasn't your fault and you were a victim. But what is that? A victim – it's just a word, letters and syllables. It is meaningless unless you give it a meaning. You know what I see when I look at you right now? I see a smart woman, I see a good detective, I see a friend, I see someone who cares about others more than she cares about, somebody who will do anything for the people she loves, somebody who deserves better than what life has dealt her. But you know what I also see?" he waited for her to give him a sigh she's listening so she nodded "I see someone who doesn't deserve pity, that's what you are afraid of, you don't want me to look at you and feel bad for you? Well I do, I feel bad that you had to go through all of this alone, but I don't pity _you_"

There were tears rolling down her cheeks and he wanted so bad to wipe them away, she just looked at him.

"Amanda, when we were in Chicago you've told me what you said to Erin, so please take your own advise, lean on your squad, lean _on me_" he emphasized the last words and slowly moved closer to her, still keeping his distance "you are in a fucked up spot Amanda, but you don't have to be alone, and I don't want you to be alone"

He stopped moving and locked his eyes with her "I care about you, I know we are nowhere right now, but I care, I'm here for you no matter what, no matter when. But I need to know you will let me be there, and if you don't want me then Fin, Liv, even Carisi…just don't lock this in and say you're fine, because Amanda, you are a good liar, and someday I'm scared I will believe it when it's not true"

Amanda finally wiped her face. She walked over to Nick and placed her palm on his chest, right above his heart. They stood there for a moment, Nick not sure what she was doing and Amanda, not very sure of that herself, but it felt good.

"Ok" she nodded "but right now, I need to breath, I need air, I don't know what else I need but when I know I will let you know, ok?"

Nick nodded, it was something.

They stood like that for a few more minutes when she said he should go, she walked away so he couldn't hug her goodbye. Nick opened the door and gave her a long look.

"Bye" he said.

"Bye" she smiled.

* * *

><p>A few weeks later…<p>

* * *

><p>There was a knock at his door and Nick rushed to open it. Not that he was excited about visitors right now, not after the last days with all of the…<p>

His mind went blank when he reached the door and saw her there.

"Hey" he opened the door.

"Hi" Amanda smiled.

* * *

><p><em>Hope you liked it, let me know. <em>


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